girls are gross...

Every company will tell you their main demographic they market to is women--that's a known fact; we are everyone's prime market because we're the only ones who keep the country afloat in times of crises. A woman will buy anything she wants-anytime she wants. For example, the only companies that didn't dive during the Great Depression were cosmetics and jewelry. Crazy, right? Not when you think of the poor nature of women and how needy we are to 'fit in' and look the part. We'll spend ungodly amounts of money on things we don't need. Why? Because it will make us skinny, rich, or tan. And we're so desperate as a gender that we'll buy into anything. But since we’re the reason for the economy not being completely obsolete, you’d think the companies would come up with some more flattering ways of advertising to us & getting our attention. Instead, there's a continuous marketing stream of 'bettering' ourselves as women; commercials aren't helping us feel better about ourselves. If anything, they’re doing nothing more than constantly reminding us of how gross we are and how we need to DO more in order to BE more.

Ads seem to be one extreme or the other-never a middle ground where someone isn't gagging or crying before the end of a commercial. Most commercials targeting females are disgusting and revolting. There's nothing worse than sitting through a Tampax commercial with my babe and his friends, with a woman & her insightful observations about her cramps and flow. Gross. Just nasty. Or better yet, how about being convinced to purchase a product from a butterfly who flits across the screen from flower to flower that's suppose to symbolize something about a woman's monthly cycle? That's just embarrassing. Comparing us to animals? And butterflies at that-which, alongside kittens, puppies, and baby panda bears, is an animal we should NOT be compared to during THAT time of the month. Give me a freakin' break. Even medicine ads, and i'm talking about ALL kinds, target women. Have you ever sat through a commercial for anti depressants & NOT seen a female? Never. Why do women have to be the depressed ones, pharmaceutical marketing genius? Because you know we'll buy it, that's why. You're so good that you almost convinced me that i was depressed from watching a commercial. Hell, even E.D. meds are aimed at women. 'Any ordinary moment can turn into an extraordinary opportunity' as the woman is giving the man bedroom eyes. COME ON. I've never known any woman in her 60s depressed because her husband of 40 something years can't bump & grind with her on a daily basis anymore. Especially the older couples with kids. They've been through it all. Pregnancy alone is enough to keep a man a good football field's length away from a woman. So either way, females are nasty...and screwed. We're either actively menstruating, pregnant, or too old for either. Regardless, we can't win. But apparently there are drugs that can help us get through our gross-ness and attain the life we want to live. Just remember, no erection should last longer than 4 hours.

These girdles can make you look like you're 'suppose' to in your clothes.

But it's either the extreme of saying 'this is you & it's O.K.' or the other that implies 'you're never going to make it in this world as a woman, you nasty thing'. And honestly, i can't say which i prefer. The 'you're O.K.' ads are just gross, but at least they're realistic; whereas the ones that beat women down are sad (but sometimes funny, so that scores a few points). These are especially damning to our younger generations. I'm referring to the commercials that are blatantly targeting females: diet pills, tighter more revealing clothing, SPANX, or push up bras, push up panties, etc. I can't even check my email without an animated female shrinking in her dress. A constant reminder to lose weight. There's a reason you're animated, computer vixen: you're not real & i hate you.

And now adult clothing stores are carrying padded bikinis for kids as young as 7 years old? REALLY? What 7 year old is thinking about bigger boobs? What 7 year old needs to be concerned with this? But at the same time, I guess the commercial geniuses are doing them a favor: girls have to learn at an early age that they'll never be good enough, skinny enough, skin clear enough, or their hair as nice & shiny as the Pantene models. I'm not saying put a bunch of fat ladies in their undies and advertise that's it's O.K. to show off your body, which if you remember, that's been done & was just as gross. But how about just keying it down a notch creative commercial guy? It's already bad enough that almost every female i know (other than those in my family) has had some form of surgery done to their bodies for self esteem or physical issues, there's no need to advertise it to make even more women feel less than worthy for what God gave them. But what's so sad, is that most women want or worse, think that they need something done in order to fit in or be happy. And what’s worse is that they’re passing along this self-damning image to their children-they’re daughters. These women are probably the ones buying their 7 year olds padded bikinis.

We all know that being a female is no walk in the park. But that's why God gave us the burden instead of men. Could you imagine what the world would be like if men had to have menstrual cycles once a month? Or give birth? Or knowing they are the reason any commercial is ever made? Or how about them feeling like they are too fat, too greasy, or skin not clear enough for another to sleep with them? God forbid. They couldn't make it. Although the pain was a curse God gave us as part of being female, i believe it was given to us because we can handle it. Yeah, no doubt there are things about females that are gross, but that's what makes us women. But that's not all that makes us women. But menstrual cycles and a lack of self confidence cannot define a gender-so for all of you women lacking self esteem, get over it and get a grip. Realize there's definitely more to men that makes them nasty than meets the eye, but since we're the ones with the purses, the companies know we're the ones who are buying. Not men. So it's our flaws that are thrown on the screen because we're the ones who can handle everyone knowing our business & the pressures of not being good enough. But seriously, marketing this to girls as young as 7 years old? That's out of line. Little girls need to be thinking about dolls & ponies, not the size of their boobs. They have the rest of their life to be unhappy & self conscious about that.

And boobs are a great way to measure your worth.

As nasty as females are with our acne-scarred faces, greasy hair, and of course, the fact that we have a period every month unless we're pregnant, how can we expect our men to even want to hang out with us, much less have sex with us? Let me tell you...because they can't go without it. And according to the E.D. commercials we can't either. Take a walk. Read a book of intelligence & put down the Harlequin novels. Go talk to a group of young girls to know the pressures they are facing & do something to help them. And do something to help you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making excuses & get up, get moving, and do something to make you feel better, because apparently nothing will make you be better. As females, we are gross. Period. (some pun intended)

i don't get it...

Ok, so we all know that i work at a university, which will remain anonymous for the purpose of my freedom to vent-mainly about the ignoramuses that i encounter on a daily basis walking aimlessly around campus. While i love my job and the actual university itself, the students are what irritate the living you-know-what out of me. The latest lucky group of ill bred kids who have caught my attention, and for which this post is written, are the barefoot walking guys. And when i use the term 'guys' it includes girls as well. You can easily spot these people, not by looking at their bare feet, but because they're usually the only ones walking alone. And who can blame those who won't walk with them? I wouldn't be seen in public (or private for that matter) with anyone walking around without shoes.

For starters, it's gross. When i see a kid walking on the road or public sidewalk without shoes, i want to ask them if they really don't know why they are walking alone. I want to ask them if they have any common sense. And i especially want to know why he or she isn't wearing the shoes they're carrying in their hands. It's one thing to be in private quarters and decide to go without shoes on a clean floor; it's another issue entirely when you choose to take off your shoes to walk everywhere.

Any idiot knows that athlete's foot is easily caught and highly contagious. Per webmd, 'you can get it by touching the infected area of a person who has it. More commonly, you pick up the fungi from damp, contaminated surfaces, such as public floors, showers, locker rooms, or any other used surface'. So, when you can easily catch athlete's foot by using a public or shared shower, such as the ones found in every dorm, why would you up your chances of catching it by walking barefoot everywhere you go? Morons. But athlete's foot is the least of your worries barefoot guys. Ever heard of ringworm? Yeah, it's even nastier. And more highly contagious. I've included a picture of athlete's foot so at least you'll know what to expect when it happens to you. The picture of ringworm was just too nasty to include.

I'm not alone in my disgust for barefoot walkers. Co-workers and even my babe has said that they actually hope the barefoot walkers catch ringworm or better yet, step on a rusty nail or staple and get a staph infection. That would teach 'em, maybe. But i'm starting to think these kids can't be taught. And speaking of teaching, what's the deal with the professors who allow these kids to show up without shoes and possibly contaminate the whole class, including the prof, with not only an infection, but stench. That's right. You know feet smell anyway when you wear shoes. How good do you think they smell without shoes while walking around in public? But then again, that's not your problem. You don't care. You're way to hip and cool to care what other people think. Which is why you walk around alone without shoes. And don't give me that crap about the benefits of walking barefoot. You aren't wearing any shoes. Why the hell would i listen to anything you had to say?

Now, it would be a completely different story if you couldn't afford shoes. But we all know that's not the case. Especially when you're carrying them. Yesterday, and i'm not lying, i saw a female barefoot walker carrying her flip flops. Really? Are those flip flops just that uncomfortable and restricting for you to put on your nasty feet and wear while you're walking on the sidewalk, or road in her case. Hard to believe. And of course she was walking alone. Another guy had in his iPod ear buds, so i know he can afford a pair of shoes. Any pair will do. This isn't the stone age and you know that because you have coach bags and iPods, so why choose to look like fred flinstone or barney rubble? Are you like the skinny jeans guys? I know you have no significant other. Do your parents not love you? Or maybe they are all too embarrassed to be seen in public with you. I'd warn them to stay away unless they want to deal with one of the pictures shown, or an overwhelming amount of revulsion from everyone else who chooses to practice personal hygiene and take precaution in catching fungi. Get a life, a pair of shoes, and wear them.

a hot mess...

Ever heard of hot bikram yoga? If not, please allow me to explain...imagine being voluntarily shut in a room the temperature of hell plus 40% humidity for 90 minutes. Not only do you look like you just stepped out of a pool after the breathing exercises (which are the first 10 minutes of class), but you've got to somehow fandangle yourself into 26 different poses while trying not to pass out. And if you think i'm exaggerating at all, talk to someone else about it. It's insane. And i'm starting to question my sanity for continuing to go to class every week.

When my friend first told me about hot bikram yoga my immediate reaction was 'i don't even want to know about that...sounds miserable'. She then gives me a gift card for 2 free classes for my birthday, which obligates me to go, and lo and behold my instinct was right. My first class was terrifying to say the least, but i achieved my goal as a first timer, which is to stay in the room for 90 minutes and keep breathing. No big deal, right? Something's definitely wrong with an exercise class if that's the goal for first timers. That was on a wednesday night and it was monday before i could walk without pain--then we went again 2 days later for my 2nd class. I felt like i was going to die. Literally got carried out after 30 minutes by the instructor and another yogaer...good times. I returned the next wednesday to prove to myself that i could do it, and i've been to 4 classes so far, completing 3.

I have no idea how anyone could expect you to be able to twist your body like a pretzel while you're raining sweat, but they do...and there are quite a few people in the class who can achieve that. I, on the other hand, had never-repeat never-done yoga before in my life. So alot of the moves are just unnatural to me...how i'm going to master ever getting my entire foot or forearm behind my calf is beyond me, but i'm trying; granted, i'm a hot miserable mess while doing so, but i still try. I was talking to a new friend before class last week and she was saying how she's been sick so hasn't been able to go every day like usual. I almost invented a pose of my own called the 'you do what????' with my jaw muscles stretched all the way to the floor while my eyes were popping out their sockets.

Last week i went to class twice, mark it, twice. I must be a glutton for punishment or either desperate for a workout because i actually purchased 10 classes, of which i can only miss 2 weeks before they expire. As much as i hate it, and i do hate it, i love the sore post workout feeling...even if it does last several days. And the results are unbelievable. I can't believe it's taken only 3 weeks for me to get closer to my ideal weight and shape but i can tell a difference after only a few classes, which is the motivation that keeps me going back.

Tonight is the night for me to voluntarily return to the unfair match-up and get beaten up, and i don't want to go. I'm tired, feeling sick and weak, and it's cloudy, cold, and raining out. Yet, i'm going to go and do my best. I know it will be worth it tomorrow and i hope to make it to class twice again this week. If you're asking why i would voluntarily go into a fight knowing that i'm going to get my butt kicked...i ask myself the same thing on a daily basis. The answer is simple...i love to hate it. While i'm never going to argue that it sucks (because that would be a lie), i'm also hoping that i can keep it up and continue going because i like the results so far; they may be subtle or even not noticeable at all to everyone else, but they are all too clear to me-and my babe-he definitely notices, and that alone makes it worthwhile.

the big sexy...

A physically disabled duck. A retarded seal with no rear fin. A mariachi band. A rendition of will ferrell's audition for saturday night live. A prank contact card listed in my old-school Rolodex file. Singing 'baby making songs' while rolling around the office in his chair. Lying on the floor in a 'greek god' pose while dropping craisins in his mouth. Revealing one of his newest dance moves, or dances for that matter. These are just some of the surprises i encounter on a daily basis, compliments of my truly delightful coworker. Without whom, i would no doubt quit my job.

Not only is his imagination constantly at work, but he himself never leaves. He's always at the office when i walk in & stays long after i leave. Yet, he never seems to be in a bad mood. I, on the other hand, usually stroll in late and try to leave as early as possible on a daily basis. And there's no telling what's happened with me in between those hours to get myself in a bad mood--it's not like i do it on purpose, but it definitely sometimes happens. But not for him-I have yet to find what triggers his bad mood in a year and a half. He truly loves his job, and if he doesn't, he does a great job of making everyone believe he does. It's amazing to me. But he doesn't mind working 60 plus hours a week. Even when he's not required to be here, he's here.

He uses his creativity skills to make everyone around him laugh. If i happen to be in a bad mood, or down at all, he'll stop what he's doing (and it's usually important) to pick me up and make me feel better. He'll take out his one ear bud, push his chair over to my desk, and start singing or dancing. The 'bernie' is his most recent favorite dance, where he just hangs dead weight and shakes like someone's pulling his puppet strings. Or he'll tell me a fabrication that makes me laugh until my sides ache. And it's amazing how he makes this stuff up. He told me that on the west coast, the sun winks, flaps it's hand with a quick queer wave, and shows everyone it's lone earring just before setting. That was straight off the cuff! Who can think of this stuff? And who has the time? He tells me it's because he is an only child and had to constantly entertain himself growing up.

And he loves women, which is his sole inspiration for his 'baby making' music he plays. Wants his honeymoon in Disney World, which he's been planning his whole life. And will not settle for a woman who doesn't love Disney World or children because he's serious about carrying on his family name.

The combination of his preacher father and casino managing mother is unmatched. His wit and flamboyant attitude are unparalleled. His patience is unreal, especially when it comes to pranks. Everyone knows who's responsible for my uncontrollable laughter when i randomly find Romeo Horsecock's toll free number in my flip card Rolodex. He's finally satisfied after setting up that prank months before. He is...One of my favorite people...Responsible for me still having a job...Quality...Top notch...Magnificent.

wrong way...

since i was on the topic, i decided to go on to the next selective group of punks who irritate me on a daily basis and leave me questioning their sexuality. skateboarders. and no, i'm not talking about the cool ones who can do tricks. no tony hawks. you wish. no rob dyrdek here. no. i'm talking about the freakin' young guns who are practicing standing on the board while it's in motion. to be clear, we're focusing solely on the hip dudes who practice riding the board. what bothers me about them? their timing and location. plain and simple. we're talking about practice here (insert voice of allen iverson here, or more recently, the beloved charlie sheen when referring to his 'hit' sitcom 2 1/2 men). these board lovers choose to practice, again, keep that word in mind--very important for this posting, in the middle of the road. while i'm trying to get to work, home, to and from my office, and/or my car. basically anywhere that involves me being on the campus of the university i work.

they choose to practice this technique of boarding in front of my office. in my view. just past my laptop. on a daily basis. the highlight of my day is when one of them busts on the concrete. i can feel the sneaky sinister smile starting to emerge when this happens. i'm secretly hoping it'll knock some sense into them. but alas.

not only does the practicing irritate me, but these hipsters bring it full circle because of their choice of clothing. yep. you guessed it. it's these guys who are usually the ones wearing the freakin' skinny jeans. if you need an update, see previous post. i guess the skinny jeans are better for boarding, especially for those who are practicing so they won't have baggy pants in the way of the board's wheels-just something else to trip on i guess. but it begs the question ...how do you expect to board at all when your junk is being strangled by your pants?

hobbies are good. and practice is key to success. however, practice should be reserved for the 'elite' few who are privileged enough to hang with you board guy. your board buddies are the only ones who should be present during this period. not passers by. not campus visitors. not staff as they're trying to work. not the bus drivers. not me while i'm trying to get to my car or office. people should have to willingly and knowingly choose to watch you practice by going to the park or some other designated area that's fenced off just for you board guy. and fyi, the parking lot full of cars that you're inevitably going to hit when you fall is not a good place for practice. nor the road with cars going both ways. no. those cars are driven by adults who have licenses. that usually means they have some sense. and 'sense' here doesn't necessarily involve planning to slam on brakes because you decide to use the crosswalk for your practice board guy. or even when you accidentally fall into the street after falling off your board. 'sense' here awards us the desire to speed up in hopes of clipping one of your limbs. we'd be doing you a favor. your board buddies too. they'd learn the crosswalks, sidewalks, parking lots, and two way roads aren't such a good place for practice.

it's one thing to want to learn something new. but until you've mastered the art of balancing on your board, it's in your best interest to stay away from traffic, crowds of people, and large windows. i wish you the best. honest. i hope you can find an enclosed area for practice. i don't like the feeling i get when i see you fall in the street. the surge of adrenaline it sends through my body, making my foot want to slam on my gas pedal, or the irresistible urge i get to use my horn at you. the uncontrollable laughter when your board is flying over your head is somewhat sinister and has to come from a dark place. it can't be good for me. it would do us all good for you to find a place of your own for practice. chances are, the place you got those freakin' skinny jeans could direct you in the right direction. once you've graduated to the grinding, half pipe, ollie, or any board trick for that matter, you may be pleasantly surprised at how many people come to you. until then, keep your practice to yourself. or at least away from my car.

you tell me...

how they should be worn

unfortunately, how they are worn

well, we meet again old friend. when i started this blog over 2 years ago, it was for myself-not for my 3 loyal 'followers' or anyone else, just for me. and now it's been over 2 years since i've posted anything and it isn't due to the lack of anything to write about, no, not at all. in fact, i have more i want to write about now than ever. as embarrassing as it is, it's simply because i forgot that i even had a blog as a vent outlet until today. so much time has passed since i last wrote, and there is so much to choose from to write about, but i'm going to begin with the most obvious constant reminder that i'm confused; am i really getting older? or are kids getting more stupid?

working at a university where my boss is 3 days younger than myself, i am constantly reminded that i'm getting older and also that i could never live through my college years again (at least not the same way i previously took up space and residency for 4 years). although the list of things i didn't do in college would be shorter than the list of things i did, i've never been guilty of such an atrocious act as the college guys are responsible for today.

first, to the designers who created the appalling skinny jeans for men (i guess that's what you call the male bipeds who wear these things), what in God's namel were you thinking?! did you honestly look at the finished product and say to yourself-hopefully no one else heard you if you did-'that they were good, perfect, finished'? or was your purpose solely to obliterate the pride of any 'man' (and i use that term very loosely) who chose to try them on? maybe you intended to begin a trend, and if that's the case, you have succeeded. well done. i call this trend horrendous. designers, if you're still alive in a few weeks, months, years, hopefully one day you'll look back and agree-what you've done is nothing less than dreadful. but enough about you, you're just doing your job...as sad as that may be.

now, on to the boys who chose to try these awful skinny jeans on...were you alone in a dark room at the time? do you not own a mirror? walk by any glass doors at all? you certainly don't have any friends. that's a fact. do your parents not love you? or do you change when they leave so you won't embarrass them and bring shame upon your family's name? if i voluntarily put myself into those, as a guy, i wouldn't be able to look my family in the eye wearing those ridiculously obscene things on my body. but then again, i'm not a young, hip, camp counselor wanna-be dude who thinks he looks cool in the latest fashion...which FYI, were originally intended for women. you do know that, don't you?!

so what's it going to be next boys? i'm going to have to wait on you in the dressing room while you try on bras? how about the lingerie section of walmart getting yourself sized for the perfect teddy to go with those skinny jeans? there's no limit now. you've really done it this time. you've completely demolished all that was left of your manliness. just know that you've been warned. don't ever expect anyone to take you seriously while wearing those skinny jeans, especially if you've been lucky enough to find that perfect strappy tank and bright colored bra to wear with them. welcome to the feminine world guys. and congratulations. you've successfully reached across the aisle to make this a unisex nation. as for the designers and stylists, i'm sure they appreciate the fact you've made their job twice as easy by having to create half the clothes.